Forgiving Myself: Was There Anything to Forgive in the First Place?
I have been mad at myself for some time now, perhaps maybe my whole life. I have always been an overthinker, I think that’s what got me into this writing thing at the first place. I have been so mad at the world, the fact that there is no time to read every book I want to read and to watch every movie I want to watch and even to see every place I’d like to see. I think I have thought and internalise this thing too much that I don’t even try anymore. I can see this big change in me, it’s like I am always too tired. Then I think about all these thoughts of my thoughts way too much and then I am just mad. Mad at myself, mad that days last only 24 hours and mad that there are so many things to do in our world and all I can do is stay in my bed, thinking. I am angry, furious. Angry that I keep cancelling all the plans I’ve made just to stay in and furious that I actually feel good about it.
It took me way too long to realise that it’s all good though, everything, every single thing I wrote above are all normal. Because all those things are me. I am an overthinker and yes, I do like staying in my bed instead of going out sometimes and most especially yes, I am still mad at the world that there are not enough anything to do everything but I have accepted that. I forgave the world and most especially I forgave myself.
The first step is done. Forgiveness. Now what? Learning to live with myself. I found what brings me joy and finally, I started to start things. I like way too many books in a bookstore? Great, that means there is still things to read and authors who write that gets me excited. Too many places to visit? Let me start from my roots and my city. Too many movies? Movie night, every night! The moment that everything changed for me was the moment I figured out the world is not stopping. Not for me, not for you, not for anyone nor anything. You want to be sad -which sometimes is a need- or you want to go out or you want to sit and binge a show. Just do it! Time will pass anyways.
